Shopping with Retards

Ok, my mother always taught me, if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all, well in that case I wouldn't really have a whole lot to write.

Typically, when you have to get groceries, or shop for items, its more of a chore than anything else. As a guy, I like to think for two seconds, know what I want, go into the store, grab it and get out. Its idiot people which make this chore take far longer than it should and drive me mental.

I'm going to lay out a few "What not to do scenarios" in hopes that people will read this and think... Crap I'm one of those morons, maybe I shouldn't do this.

1) If you're a heffer, and already take up half the aisle, don't park your cart in the other half so people cant get by you.

2) If you're a heffer, perhaps you should not use a cart. Perhaps you should use a basket, this would stop you from buying so much crap you don't need and give you some exercise which clearly you need.

3) Don't stand in front of shelves, or units and stare blankly or read through every ingredient. Get out of people's way, and read on your own time. BY THE WAY, when I see someone reading the ingredients on milk, you're just asking for me to snap.

4) Keep your kids on a leash, or better yet leave them at home.

5) Going to the cash register with a million coupons (and not even having them friggin organized) is un-acceptable. If you waste 15 minutes of my time and everyone behind you in line, to save yourself a buck or two, you should probably be shot.

6) Have a clue. If you don't need anything, or you're just wandering aimlessly, just go home. You should have used that peanut brain and planned ahead of time what you needed.

7) Deodorant  Use it. Honestly this shouldn't be on my list but if I can smell you, well before I can see you... there is an issue. Personal hygiene is cool! No one wants to smell your rancid oder. Ladies this goes the same for terrible over-kill perfume.

8) Women trying to be milfs - Ok this is not one I thought of until I hit the mall today. If you're a 40+yr old woman and you're trying to "fit in" with you teen daughters, just stop. You're not fooling anyone. You're just drawing attention to yourself (which is maybe what you want) but its the attention where people are thinking "Who's that old bag trying to fool? Gross". You know whats more of a turn on? Dressing your age and respectable.

More rants to come I'm sure

New James bond movie

Warning! Spoilers - It sorta sucked!

Alright, the movie was OK. Not great, not shit, but simply ok. It's the kind of garbage you'd expect from the James Bond series after watching Quantam of Solace.

Since there isn't much to really talk about in this movie, lets analyse some of it's stupidity

1) In the scene where the sniper is shooting from one building into another, why in the hell does no one act surprised when the target's brains are blown out? Like they just go about their merry business. If this was a setup hit, and they knew about it, why the hell would they have bothered with the sniper? That was a useless plot point to get bond a brief case.

2) What was the point of that chick, bond met in the Casino? just to deliver some boring dialogue, and then get shot? Sure there was that shower sex scene which contributed nothing to the plot too.

3) Why is Q such a retard? He manages to obtain this super brilliant hackers computer, and then just plugs it into the network? DUR! Why the hell wouldn't they disassemble the laptop and just read the hard drive? Or better yet, if you're going to plug it in, don't give it network access.

Well those were some of the glaring things that stood out in my mind. I watched it a month ago so I'm sure I forgot a bunch. It's a rental not a theater worthy film.

Just saying

Dickhead drivers & bimbo bikers

Dear drivers and bikers, this is a PSA!

Hello world, I bike every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY and you know what? I'm quite frankly sick of sharing the road and bicycle lanes with morons. While some bikers and drivers are stellar (and I do appreciate you) there are far more nobs who can't drive or cycle and you're gonna get someone killed. YOU'VE ALREADY GOT ME PISSED OFF!

BIKERS

1. Stop trying to race with cars. I hate to break it to you, you wont win and you're pissing people off. Stay the fuck in your lane. 
2. If you're one of the flaming bikers who simply must wear spandex and try and act cool by blowing by people carrying a knapsack full of stuff, do us all a favor and cycle off a bridge into the next river. Wearing that spandex isn't helping you any. You already paid over 2 grand on your ultra light weight bike so why don't you spend a little gas money and drive to a place where you can bike without people slowing you down.
3. Know your hand signals. REALLY its not hard there are only three of them and really you only need to know two. Here I'll make your life easier and link you to a Wikipedia article  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hand_signals.
4. Slow moving bikers - although this may sound hypocritical to point number 2, if you're really slow or dying after biking up that steep hill, get off your bike and walk. Get off and out of the bike lane. DO NOT force me to go around you. DO NOT hold up everyone behind you. DO NOT look over your shoulder acknowledge I'm trying to pass you and keep on waddle biking.

DRIVERS

1. Stay in your own lane. When there is no bike lane, cyclists are entitled to an ENTIRE lane, now seeing as how I'm not a douche, I stay to the side but GIVE ME SOME GODDAMN ROOM! I don't want to fear for my life as you zip by me.
2. STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE. I think this needs to be said twice, honestly if there is a bike lane, don't drive into it. I shouldn't be able to punch your mirror or have to slowdown to stop from rear ending you. It's incredibly frustrating. Just stay in your damn lane.
3. SLOW DOWN. Ok that is not to say drive slowly but when you're driving past a biker, slow down and give some room. You're in a metal vehicle. I'm on an un-shielded bike, if you hit me, I will likely die. You taking your foot off the gas for a few seconds wont slow you down that much but it could be difference of someone living and dieing.
4. Turn indicators! USE THEM. God, its not that hard to flip a switch or lever, so do it. Don't just frigging pull in front of me last minute. Urgh!
5. DON'T HONK! you're likely going to startle a biker into oncoming traffic. AND you'll probably see us flipping you off for it. If you're honking you're probably half in the wrong.
6. Turn your music down. No we don't share your taste in country music.

MOTORCYCLISTS

1. Motorcycles are bad ass but:
• Don't ride one that has a essentially non existent muffler. Your bike doesn't have to be loud to be cool. In fact when they're super noisy, you're kinda a douche-bag and no one likes you.
• Keep it classy...

Pinterest Pinning nincompoops in business

Sigh....

If you don't already know what Pinterest is, I envy you. Just stop reading now. Unless you're hungry for idiot knowledge, Pinterest is yet another goddamn social networking nightmare where "people" "share" things of "interest"... or rather they "pin" them to board or whatever you want to call it. Its just another stupid things for stupid people to invest and waste their time on.

What really blows my mind is that apparently some business feel they should pay someone to create a pinterest account for them. Seriously?!

Let me break this down for the business people who really think social networks are going to make you wonderful amounts of busines - they're not. Let me explain further, if your business creates some social network here's whats going to happen

• 30% of people are going to completely ignore you regardless of what you do
• 30% of people may fake interest if there is a contest you're holding where you may win something cool (and then drop you right after)
• 10% of people will sign up to spam you or the other morons who signed up
• 10% of people will sign up out of loyalty (eg people you know trying to be supportive of your stupid ventrue)
• 10% of people will sign up and then say "Bren I respect your company but I really dont care about what it's doing on facebook how do I disable this"

and finally

• the last 10% other marketer who think this is a great idea (WRONG!) and want to see what other businesses are doing.

You see the thing is, the general public really doesn't give a crap what a business is doing; unless its doing something for them specifically. Example: some hippies wanting to see a company is going green, or people wanting free shit, but at the end of the day it doesn't really earn the business anything. All it does is cost them. Not only do they have to employ some nincompoop to update the social networks and keep it semi active but if they want to get more followers they're gonna have to give some stuff away.

Again this is referring to businesses using social networks. I wouldn't care about Microsoft (the company's blog) but I may read Steve Balmer's personal blog.

Marketers and business people, stop fooling yourselves and other businesses, here's a better approach spend the time and money you'd be wasting on silly campaigns by investing in better products for your customers (like me). You'd be amazed that customers actually prefer better products over haring about your office mini-putt and other nonsense.

Fan Expo

Ok so this isn't a real review because I didn't actually attend the fan expo, but I did have to share the streets with the attendees after it while heading home.

I can't rag on the expo, I would have liked to have gone and got my Cyanide and Happiness books signed if I had the chance to, but I had other things to do. What I will do is share with everyone some observations I made while heading home this evening.

1) Ladies - if you want to dress up like your favorite witch or warlock or whatever the hell you were dressed up as, that's cool - All the power to you. BUT if this character is a size 2, and you're a size 32, don't think the illusion will be lost if you don't squeeze yourself into a size 2 outfit. Trust me, we wont mind! You don't have to force yourself into some skimpy outfit and make me want claw my eyes out in the process. Have some class and for the love of god think of the people sharing the streets who have to see you.

2)Men - swords are cool. No doubt about it. So are light sabers (if they were real) but you know whats not cool? Men/teens playing with swords like little children, on the sidewalks while people are trying to get from point A to point B.  I don't care if it lights up and make sounds. I don't care if you think you're a jedi, trust me no one except for maybe your equally dorky buddy does. What I do care about, and everyone else does -  is getting past your slow moving ass because we have places to go, people to see or a crappy bus to catch.

tldr; If you're gonna dress up in a costume - wear one that fits, if you're gonna play with toy swords do it in your house when there aren't people trying to pass you.

Old assholes using public transit.

You know what sucks? Public transit. It really really sucks. First off you have to catch a bus or train, or both in my case, its usually late and then you're packed in their like sardines. Usually theres crying children or smelly people so over all the experience is un-pleasant. Know what makes it even worse? Old assholes.  Yes you, mr. proctologist's dream, you great big asshole.  Ok lets back track...

So there I was, catching a train an hour later than I would have liked because the goddamn bus was 45 minutes late leaving Guelph. I was already in a not so great mood because I knew I was holding things up by being late, but, luckily I was able to catch a GO train right as it entered the station. "Hurray" I thought to myself, thinking I may actually salvage the evening. Oh how I was wrong. As always I turn on my phone and gps to record my trip. The train pulls out of the station and no joke after travelling 1.5km it comes to a full stop. Ugh what now? Well as it turns out the police had stopped all trains because they found a body on the train tracks. Not much I could do about that, so I tried to be patient and not complain. It would have been nice if Go Transit had notified everyone to say there would be another 45 minute delay, but that's neither here nor there.

After 15 minutes of waiting patiently this little devil of a child starts wailing. If it was a baby, I could accept it, but this was a 5 or  6 years old kid. There were babies on the train who were perfectly content. Know why this kid was wailing? He didn't have candy to eat while playing on his iPad. Damn it parents, teach your kids when its appropriate to wail. I sincerely hope you beat that little shit when you got home - away from prying eyes (everyone was thinking it - in fact people brought it up when you finally got off the train).

After 30 minutes of waiting, this old wind bag comes down the stairs with his panties in a bunch looking to chew people out. This guy had some serious issues because he got within two inches of the staffs face to yell at them. I felt for the girl. I think I would have headbutted that jackass if it was me. As if it was her fault a dead body was found on the tracks. AND this girl couldn't have been older than 20 or so. This guy was on a power trip. Good job asshole, you're trying to intimidate someone 40 years younger and 1 foot shorter than you. Seriously, GO transit, let your staff carry tasers ok? This asshole deserved a good tasing. After 15 minutes of him relentlessly yelling out, and old woman yelled out "Would some one push that old windbag out onto the tracks in front of the next on coming train or let him walk?" I have to say, for an old immobilized person, I was pretty impressed. This spawned my "out-loud" comment of saying he was a proctologists dream - a real big asshole. Needless to say he was not impressed but at least he shut up for the next few minutes while the train was allowed to depart.

Moral of the story? Yelling at staff and making others un-comfortable will make other people hate you. So don't do it. I sincerely hope Mr.Asshole that you don't use public transit again because the last thing we need is more windbags like you polluting already crappy public transit. As for you GO transit staff, Good job keeping a cool head. And I really hope you get tasers. No one should have to put up with that kinda crap.

New Blackberry Dev Alpha

I suppose this should be my first post. Why? Cause it was after this review video that co-workers and friends said I need a tumblr or review site. God knows why, but I listened to them and here was the two crappy videos that led to the catch phrase "What the Hell".

So to go into more detail...

After going to the BlackBerry Jam in Toronto and being rather underwhelmed with their introduction speech and videos, they began showing off the dev alpha running BB10. Let me be clear, I wasn't impressed with what I saw, but I was quite happy to be getting a device FOR FREE to play with. They showed a number of cut scenes which made this piece of junk look usable, but it was a lie. I've received 3 updates for this thing since making those videos and let me tell you... not a whole lot of improvement. What a piece of crap. F